Riverman Media Acquires Apple, Inc.

Posted by on Apr 1, 2017 in News | No Comments

In a stunning announcement made this morning, mobile games developer Riverman Media LLC announced the purchase of consumer technology company Apple, Inc. for $800 billion in cash and stock.

“We are so pleased to have the energy and enthusiasm of a startup like Apple join our business,” said Riverman Media cofounder Paul Stevens at a press event held in the crumbling ruins of Eridu, humanity’s first city. “Over the years, Apple has continually impressed us with their ability to deliver fantastic specialized products to their small but enthusiastic consumer group.”

The combined company will be as perplexing as it will be compelling. Along with Riverman Media’s focus on mainstream interests such as ancient Mesopotamia and cartoon fast food, Apple will now bring its niche technologies, such as Internet browsing and music downloading, to the table. Some market analysts seemed skeptical that Riverman would be able to successfully leverage Apple’s quirky portfolio to drive revenue, but executives at both companies appeared confident.

In a brief statement, Apple CEO Tim Cook said, “We’re proud of what we’ve accomplished here at Apple, but with Riverman’s library of dozens of crunching sound effects, network of nearly 320 Twitter followers, and handy command-line animation tools, the sky’s the limit on what we can accomplish together.” Cook, a rising tech star in his own right, is likely to continue in a similar role to the one he played at Apple. “I don’t know, making business plans, or making sure the factories go fast enough, I guess,” he said.

Adding punctuation to an already surprising day, Paul Stevens feigned a stage exit, but returned to the microphone to announce, “Just one more thing we’d like to show you.”

The lights in the auditorium dimmed, and a video played showcasing Riverman Media designer Jacob Stevens and Apple designer Jony Ive. The notoriously press-shy designers, both clad in fitted gray t-shirts, announced a new tablet-like device called the i.DUG.BAL.LU.

At first teasing that they would be announcing three products, a pocket-sized grain accounting device, an historical archive of antediluvian Sumerian monarchs, and the “world’s best” set of practical instructions for first-born princes, the duo revealed that all three features would be included in a single product.

“A grain accounting device, an historical archive of antediluvian monarchs, the world’s best set of instructions for future kings. A grain accounting device, an historical archive of antediluvian monarchs, the world’s best set of instructions for future kings,” said Stevens, as an onscreen clay cube spun faster and faster, “Are you getting it?”

“For millennia, humanity has wondered how to cross a river,” said Stevens, explaining the ancient wisdom stored in the i.DUG.BAL.LU. “And now, the answer, ‘By grasping the neck of a huge ox,’ is only a few inscriptions away.”

The tablet, which will support both ancient Akkadian and Sumerian Cuneiform, will use special reeds harvested during the flooding of the Tigris River for input. The device itself will be made of a proprietary mud that hardens in the sun, can be reconstituted with water, and has a battery life exceeding 42,000 years.

Legendary Apple designer Jony Ive said, “What makes i.DUG.BAL.LU so unique is the way it feels in your hand, the remarkable precision with which the priests of Enki have crafted it with their dark rituals.”

i.DUG.BAL.LU will launch at dawn on Jemdet Nasr for 40 fertile sheep, or with a yearly upgrade program starting at one daughter per year.